Of course, of course, I know that I can't know the future. And of course, of course, I know that there's only so much planning one can do before life becomes what it most consistently is: unexpected.
I keep saying of course, because I do know this, and I don't mean anything profound by it.
Still, the uncertainty of what's coming, the absolutely inability to know has been scaring the pants off me. Thus far, I've seen my future largely through the eyes of the young: it's all golden from here. But I know that cannot be true - two big blows within two weeks, the double whammy of death and diagnosis remind me that life often (or oftener) deals loss. The house always wins.
On the morning my grandfather died, the entire family crowded into a hospital room, and my grandmother sat closest to my grandfather's side. His death was quick and unexpected, and everyone kept saying some variation of "we didn't know this coming; we couldn't have known." I kept looking at my grandmother, thinking the same thing.
I have photographs of her as a bride on my walls, and I often think of her at that moment in her life. As young and beautiful and full of hope as she does look, she also looks dazed. I wonder what she was thinking, at the very, very start of her wifehood. (I asked her, once, and she told me that she hadn't planned to marry at all. She was going to teach, and have cats). There was so much in front of her, so much extraordinary (and, in many ways, beautifully ordinary) life still to come. She couldn't have known, then, what she knows now. That she'd spend more of her life married than not married. That she'd give birth to six healthy children, all of whom would grow safely to adulthood, that they'd each have children of their own. All this that we cannot, cannot know when we're young.
I think about how much life there (likely) is in front of me, and how much of it I cannot know.
This future I keep talking about, this fuzzy "what's next" is some days a gift to unwrap and other days a yawning, black unknown. (Please, a light). It's an exercise in futility to strategize my anxieties, but still, I keep trying to do so.
Books, as always, are my answer. I've been reading ravenously, a woman in need of water. Some of what I've read has been excellent (We Were the Mulvaneys, Follow Me Into the Dark, Born to Run), some of it sub par. I'm looking for wisdom, a way inside these baggy unknowns.
We Were the Mulvaneys, the story of a family's central and spiraling undoing, hangs right in the center of what is know and what cannot be known. It's a novel almost too good to bear, and in its final pages, it opened a door to something big and unnamed inside of me - the totality of family or history or intimacy or love. I'm not even sure what; I just known that I've been in that room before, and in it is beauty and pain.
I'm currently reading Leaving Rollingstone, a memoir written by the man who wrote one of my favorite novels. He too deals in what was. Kevin Fenton writes like a man still looking for his understanding (Merit Badges was like that too). Unlike other memoirs I've read, his writing reads like process, not like results.
We Were the Mulvaneys, Born to Run, Leaving Rollingstone, even Follow Me Into the Dark, a novel unto its self (review to be submitted soon!), are all written with posterity. Lives that came apart, and came together again - or did both in ten thousand tiny ways. Each offers their own answers to these questions I'm trying to ask.
What else should I be reading?